my radio was turned up. i didn't hear him come in.. i was naked in my tub. the water was steaming at the surface... the wash room had the scent of eucalyptus and spearmint lingering among the fog i created. i smeared the spearmint mask on to my face... i think i got some of it in my eyebrows because the mirror was foggy and i could not tell where i was rubbing it in.. the lighting was dim.. i had a small lamp on.. resting on top of the toilet..giving off a yellow haze throughout the thick air that seemed to be swallowing me whole.
i reluctantly stepped into the tub.. burning my feet.. inching my legs in as though my body was sinking into a hole of quicksand..
i pulled my knees up to my chin, melting the tip of my mask.. i watched it drip into the water.. imagining it was taking my face off too. . the green floating on top of the water looked florescent in the yellow lighting.. forming my image. i gazed into my green other..
"you look nothing like what i thought.." i said to it disappointed ..
"you look like nothing at all." it said back to me.. i nodded and tried to frown at it. but the mask had hardened my eyebrows... making any facial expression nearly impossible.. so i spit on it.. causing it to dissolve into the bubbles collecting near the drain..
i began to cry.. i decided that my mask was at this point ineffective. .. washing off the remainder of it with my tears.. at least my eyebrows would remain acne free..
my heart wasn't even hurting anymore. not because it healed.. but because somewhere along the way .. i had discovered i could set it to autopilot.. allowing it to feel only portions of joy and pain.. i thought myself clever for this.. almost as if i could fool anyone.. including myself..
but death.. you can feel death..
i never saw him.. only his shape through the thick yellow air.. heavy and scented.
i don't think i screamed.. he shot me twice.. once for lying and again because i was already dying..